Monday, December 19, 2011

Eavesdropping on My Mind

“Hey, how are you?”

“Eh, you know.”

“That’s true, I do, but I’m just trying to make conversation.”

“Yeah, you don’t really ever shut up do you?”

“You shut your mouth when you are talking to me!”

“Hahaha, I love that line.  You always know how to make me laugh.”

“Of course I do!  Who knows better?”

“Good point.  When other people get involved with us, they can get overwhelmed.”

“We are a lot to handle.” 

“And we like to be handled, if she’s hot.”

“Hahahahaha, high five me brutha.”

“So that was a good movie last night, right?”

“Yeah, it made me think about Will and Drew and raising them as a single father.”

“Of course their mother isn’t dead.”

“Right, thank goodness for that!”



“Heh heh.  We sound like we actually go to church.”

“Phhhbbbbt.  As Will would say, what is church?”

“Church is Wrigley Field, isn’t it?

“Hell to the yeah home-skillet!”

“You are doing a great job with the kids, by the way.”

“Aw thanks, they seem to operate in a mostly friendly manner.  And they are happy.  So it must be going fine.”

“It’s okay to worry.  But stop worrying.”

“I usually don’t.  But I can’t control everything, nor do I want to.  It’s scary out there.”

“You are way more involved than your own parents and you turned out okay.”

“Except for that incident in high school when I came home and pissed on the end table.”

“Oh yeah, that wasn’t good.  That is when we found out about the sleepwalking.”

“Drunk sleepwalking.”

“Right.  Well, good thing you don’t get drunk.”

“On Mondays.  Hahahahahahahaha.”

“End tables look a little bit like toilets.  You really shouldn’t be so hard on yourself.”

“I thought so too, but man, the parents felt otherwise.”

“It was high school.  Let it go.”

“What if my boys piss on somebody’s end table?”

“The apple doesn’t fall from the tree.”


“Listen to me.  Your boys are great.”

“Then why do I feel weird?”

“Because it’s the holidays man.  They’ve never been the same since you divorced.”

“I know.  The holidays are better than ever because the boys are prime ages for the fun.  It’s all about them and they love this time of year more than I love sex.”

“What is the matter with you? How can you talk about your boys like that and throw in sex at the same time?“

“You know we think about sex pretty much all the time.  Hi client, how are you (sex).  I’ll have the cobb salad (sex).  When are these TPS Reports due (sex)?”

“You have never ordered a cobb salad.”

“I love sex.”

“So think about sex when you feel weird over the holidays.”

“Yeah but then I will want to have sex.”

“So have it!”

“I don’t really have holiday worthy sex partners.  I feel like holidays are meant for family and close friends.   Besides, this isn’t about me getting laid.  It’s about me worrying about my boys and feeling weird around the holidays.”

“The holidays are hard on single parents.”

“There you go again.  Yes, I’d like to be hard on a single parent, but this isn’t about sex, damn it!”

“Stop it.  And stop worrying about your boys.  They are fine.  And you fucking know it.”

“I know it.  You had to say fucking didn’t you.”

“High five me.”

“So why do I feel this way?”

“Because you slept in your old house’s basement last year on Xmas Eve so you would be there when your kids woke up to find the presents Santa brought them?  Because this year you will sleep at home alone on Xmas Eve but be able to drive five minutes to see the kids wake up Xmas morning?” 

“I guess that is part of it.  It’s all fine, really.  I’m just not used to it, you know?  I can see why a lot of people get depressed around the holidays.  I am a very happy man who is very sure of himself.  I have never been so sure of myself my entire life.”

“But yet you don’t know what is ahead.”

“I do and I don’t.  And I like that.  Why is that scary?”

“You see your sweet beautiful little boys with unbridled joy and not a care in the world because you are taking care of them, with your ex wife, and you are doing a phenomenal job.  You aren’t afraid of their future at all.  They are safe.”


“No buts.  They are good.  This is about you, friend.”

“I know where you are going with this.  I don’t need anybody to take care of me.”

“But it would be nice if someone did.”

“Like late on a Saturday night with a little buzz going on and some sexy times music…”

“Those are short term needs being taken care of you horndog.”

“Takes one to know one.”

“Seriously, I don’t need anyone to take care of me.  I don’t even want anyone to take care of me.  I am in a good spot.  My boys are in a good spot.  Everything is going great.”

“You don’t need it.  But you know what it’s like to have and you miss it.”



  1. As long as you've got yourself, you're never alone.
    And then there's Jesus but I don't know if you go there.
    Word verification is....
    thypoet. How awesome is that?

  2. It sounds to me like you are doing a great job with your boys, from all I've read on you blog. They are fortunate to have you for a dad.

  3. I'll have to comment on this when I'm not severely buzzed. Nothing good has ever come from things I have to say at times like this about posts like these. Word?

  4. With sexy time music!


    I loved every bit of this. This kind of banter sounds like me and my sister, me and my friend Mary, me and my friend T...

    Really well done. :-)


  5. "Everything will be alright." Compliments of the voices in my head... oh, and that awesome song by the Killers.

  6. Everything WILL be alright (Zen philosophy, along with shopping, is the combo that best gets me through). And just think, one day, you'll be a farty (er?) old man with your pants up under your arm pits and your boys will be writing a blog about your antics and worrying about their own kids and you won't have a care in the world except your mealtimes. Circle of life and all that.

  7. Divorced Dad as well; remember that I never had my girls on Christmas Eve.. in fact, most holidays. I would get the day after, or even later.

    Even today my adult daughters and their families have to coordinate which parts of which holidays they will spend with us or their mother's family... and now there are in-law families to add to the mix.

    In the long run, the timing of your time with your kids is less important than the quality... but then you already know that.

  8. @middlechild: And I've always got all those voices inside my head too, which is nice.

    @eva: Well I'm not gonna blog about all the asshole fatherly things I do am I? :)

    @vapidvixen: You are the kind of person I'd love to have drunk-dial / drunk text me anytime. I am most proud of you for being severely buzzed on a Monday. That is awesome!

    @pearl: Even all those voices in my head like the sexy time music.

    @consciously sedated: I saw the Killers from the fourth row at Red Rock a few years back. It was awesome.

    @mommyinlaw: Ha, thanks! How many mimosas did you have?

    @moi: I know. But it's good to put out there to the universe that it's not easy and that we are all vulnerable. I'd rather have sex than shop. FYI.

    @robert: I hope I am as wise as you when I grow up.

  9. Hahah I bet you could write your own one act, one man play!

  10. all good things to those who wait.

  11. all good things to those who wait.

  12. There's a whole new year coming, baby (sex). Someone could be taking care of you (if you know what I mean...) before you know it.

    And you're the best dad ever. Don't worry so much. Hope you enjoy Christmas. XO

  13. Voices in my head:

    "shh, shh, here she comes".

  14. You are doing a fine job with the boys from what you have shared with us on the blog. At least they know who their father is, that you love them and will always be there for them. Some fathers don't even do half of that and others even less. So look at it this way Wow!-> You are MILES ahead and way out in front on this one. You go boy! Hope you have a very, fun filled and blessed Christmas and a Happy New Year too.

  15. @gia: I do like to be heard. But the best at that kind of thing is my blogger friend Bridgette. Check it out:

    @amber: I'll wait as long as I can have what I want right now! Veruca Salt would be proud of me.

    @mel: Thanks Mel. You are one of my favorite friends that I have never met. Hopefully that changes in 2012. The part about having never met.

    @bridgette: How do the voices in your head get a word in with all that jabbering you do?

    @onebadpixie: That was a nice comment from a bad pixie - thanks!

  16. You've covered a lot of ground these last couple of years, it's been great getting to know you a little.

    I hope the holidays are a lot of fun with those lovely boys.

    Install a zip wire from their house to yours and you'll be sorted!

    All the best for 2012 xxx

  17. I need to get some better sexytime music. Mine doesn't seem to be working.

  18. This is too cool! LOVE the dialogue - Love the back and forth - Love the sex juxtaposed with the kiddos - all real - and holidays do suck sometimes but hold on to those boys - they will brighten up everything - until they don't sometimes.

  19. And, oh yeah, the voices inside my head are most entertaining.... I do like my illegal smile.


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