Monday, December 19, 2011

Eavesdropping on My Mind


“Hey, how are you?”

“Eh, you know.”

“That’s true, I do, but I’m just trying to make conversation.”

“Yeah, you don’t really ever shut up do you?”

“You shut your mouth when you are talking to me!”

“Hahaha, I love that line.  You always know how to make me laugh.”

“Of course I do!  Who knows better?”

“Good point.  When other people get involved with us, they can get overwhelmed.”

“We are a lot to handle.” 

“And we like to be handled, if she’s hot.”

“Hahahahaha, high five me brutha.”

“So that was a good movie last night, right?”

“Yeah, it made me think about Will and Drew and raising them as a single father.”

“Of course their mother isn’t dead.”

“Right, thank goodness for that!”

“Amen.”

“Hallelujah!”

“Heh heh.  We sound like we actually go to church.”

“Phhhbbbbt.  As Will would say, what is church?”

“Church is Wrigley Field, isn’t it?

“Hell to the yeah home-skillet!”

“You are doing a great job with the kids, by the way.”

“Aw thanks, they seem to operate in a mostly friendly manner.  And they are happy.  So it must be going fine.”

“It’s okay to worry.  But stop worrying.”

“I usually don’t.  But I can’t control everything, nor do I want to.  It’s scary out there.”

“You are way more involved than your own parents and you turned out okay.”

“Except for that incident in high school when I came home and pissed on the end table.”

“Oh yeah, that wasn’t good.  That is when we found out about the sleepwalking.”

“Drunk sleepwalking.”

“Right.  Well, good thing you don’t get drunk.”

“On Mondays.  Hahahahahahahaha.”

“End tables look a little bit like toilets.  You really shouldn’t be so hard on yourself.”

“I thought so too, but man, the parents felt otherwise.”

“It was high school.  Let it go.”

“What if my boys piss on somebody’s end table?”

“The apple doesn’t fall from the tree.”

“Fuhhhh.”

“Listen to me.  Your boys are great.”

“Then why do I feel weird?”

“Because it’s the holidays man.  They’ve never been the same since you divorced.”

“I know.  The holidays are better than ever because the boys are prime ages for the fun.  It’s all about them and they love this time of year more than I love sex.”

“What is the matter with you? How can you talk about your boys like that and throw in sex at the same time?“

“You know we think about sex pretty much all the time.  Hi client, how are you (sex).  I’ll have the cobb salad (sex).  When are these TPS Reports due (sex)?”

“You have never ordered a cobb salad.”

“I love sex.”

“So think about sex when you feel weird over the holidays.”

“Yeah but then I will want to have sex.”

“So have it!”

“I don’t really have holiday worthy sex partners.  I feel like holidays are meant for family and close friends.   Besides, this isn’t about me getting laid.  It’s about me worrying about my boys and feeling weird around the holidays.”

“The holidays are hard on single parents.”

“There you go again.  Yes, I’d like to be hard on a single parent, but this isn’t about sex, damn it!”

“Stop it.  And stop worrying about your boys.  They are fine.  And you fucking know it.”

“I know it.  You had to say fucking didn’t you.”

“High five me.”

“So why do I feel this way?”

“Because you slept in your old house’s basement last year on Xmas Eve so you would be there when your kids woke up to find the presents Santa brought them?  Because this year you will sleep at home alone on Xmas Eve but be able to drive five minutes to see the kids wake up Xmas morning?” 

“I guess that is part of it.  It’s all fine, really.  I’m just not used to it, you know?  I can see why a lot of people get depressed around the holidays.  I am a very happy man who is very sure of himself.  I have never been so sure of myself my entire life.”

“But yet you don’t know what is ahead.”

“I do and I don’t.  And I like that.  Why is that scary?”

“You see your sweet beautiful little boys with unbridled joy and not a care in the world because you are taking care of them, with your ex wife, and you are doing a phenomenal job.  You aren’t afraid of their future at all.  They are safe.”

“But?”

“No buts.  They are good.  This is about you, friend.”

“I know where you are going with this.  I don’t need anybody to take care of me.”

“But it would be nice if someone did.”

“Like late on a Saturday night with a little buzz going on and some sexy times music…”

“Those are short term needs being taken care of you horndog.”

“Takes one to know one.”

“Seriously, I don’t need anyone to take care of me.  I don’t even want anyone to take care of me.  I am in a good spot.  My boys are in a good spot.  Everything is going great.”

“You don’t need it.  But you know what it’s like to have and you miss it.”

“Shuddup.”