Sunday, January 15, 2012

The Date

I don’t blog about dating.  I know, it seems stupid that I’ll plaster pictures of my kids all over the World Wide Web and write about my balls but I won’t write about girlfriends or dating.  I’m funny like that. 

A few months ago I went on a first date over a late breakfast.  Oh wait, I mean a friend went on a first date over breakfast.  To make this flow better, I will pretend I am actually the friend, even though I’m not cuz I never write about dating.  Anyway, breakfast - I don’t know why I agreed to this other than the fact I love bacon and everybody knows that bacon is worse than alcohol when it comes to making poor decisions in conjunction with consumption.  Of course I made this decision without having had the bacon yet, but the simple thought of it made me instantly say yes.

I got to the diner first and busied myself with a few games of Words With Friends while I inhaled the sweet smell of bacon.  The date showed up and we had to wait five minutes for our table. 

I talk a lot.  And I’d like to believe when I talk a lot that I actually say interesting things.  During the five minute wait for our table, I didn’t speak a word, other than a few guttural acknowledgements and a periodic “okay” or “right” with accompanying head nods while the date rambled on and on and on about her ex and his drug problems.  Yep, the first five minutes leapt right into his usage and possible manufacturing of various illegal substances.  I suppose all that is interesting.

I eyeballed the front doors and thought about a fake limp I could add to a hectic escape while I held my kidney and frantically told the date how sorry I was that I had to leave and have an emergency appendectomy.  But then a waitress walked by with a plate of bacon and the hostess said our table was ready. 

We sat down and her conversation moved on to her many talents.  Yes, it was her conversation.  I spoke more to the waitress than to the date.  Apparently the date was at one time awesome at everything.  She used to model, she was a top cadet in the police academy, she saved the Bank of America account when she was an intern writing copy for an ad agency and she apparently was on the road to being a professional soccer player as she played with Mia Hamm all the time and was just as good or really probably much much better.

She quite effortlessly shifted her conversation to her vehicle and actually said, “I’m a very good driver.”  Under normal circumstances, I would have Rain Manned her ass but  A) she would have never gotten it and 2) she didn’t deserve my cleverness and III) I couldn’t get a word in anyway.

I hoped the deer in the headlights look I was giving her wasn’t misconstrued as gazing deeply into her eyes.  I was so stunned, I couldn’t decide how to intercede so I mostly didn’t, other than those head nods, raised eyebrows and questionable sounds of bewilderment.  She finally asked me a question.  I think it was about my playing basketball.  I think I said, “Yes, I play,” and then was interrupted by her saying, “I play basketball.  I’m really good actually.  I play at the park, shooting around with my daughter.  People would even stop to comment and tell me how good I am.” 

After she gushed on and on about herself she actually asked me a second question.  I think it was about what else I like to do.  I told her I like to write.   This is how it went down:

“I like to write.”

She interrupted and said, “I write.  I have written books and articles and have had lots of things published.  I’m a great writer.”  Then she talked for a few minutes about her copywriting for an ad agency again and somehow the modeling, top cadet, and soccer came up again.  And then she told me how crafty she is.  She makes things all the time and her friends buy them from her for lots of money.

My plate was empty and all the bacon was gone.  I ate fast.  Really fast.  It helped that I wasn’t able to talk, nor did I want to.  She managed to shovel a lot of food into her pie hole while she told me how she was the smartest person in her school, she is a really good bowler and she loves to rock climb and that she is awesome at it.  She’s apparently a really good eater too and I can’t fathom how many years ago she modeled much less that she broke a sweat doing anything other than walking up stairs.

I asked for the check and the date asked what I do.  I said I run a small business and she said, “I ran a small business.  It was really successful.  I’m a great business owner.”

I wanted to tell her I’m a robot to see how she’d respond.  I’m sure it would have been something like, “I’m a robot.  I’m the best robot in the world.  I have bionic arms and legs.  People stop me all the time and tell me what a great robot I am.”

I limped to the cashier holding my kidney.  The date said something about being an awesome limper and how she was in the Olympic Limping Trials while I quickly paid the bill in cash.  We went outside and I said, “Well, that bacon was good.  I’ve got to get going now.”  I think she said she makes the best bacon in the world as I limp-ran to my car while doubled over.

I got in and saw her waving to me.  She said something I couldn’t quite hear, but I’m sure it was “I’m better than bacon.”  


  1. Yup, you're right about bacon. It has probably influenced more bad decisions than maybe anything else... except beer

  2. Thank you for reminding me what an awesome chick I am (although I'd never say that on a date).

  3. Sounds like the date from hell except for the bacon!

  4. I have just laughed so hard I attracted my children. (they were downstairs, playing guitar hero) Then, I tried to explain why I was laughing--about bacon and dating boys are 10, 11 & 12. Dating is terrifying. As soon as bacon came up--it was all good. Sawyer: "yeah, I'd see a girl for bacon." Brennan, "did the waitress bring extra bacon?" Noah, "I like to hug you mom, when you smell like bacon."

    I am going to invent bacon perfume. I will rule the world.

  5. :D Excellent.

    I once went out with a guy who said the phrase "butt-hurt" approximately 1,387,425 times during our two hour rendezvous. No bueno.

  6. This is by far the funniest thing I have read on the net in a WHILE.

    I'm so glad that wasn't me…though I would have been the best me evah and way better than any other me.

    Does that sound like I might be named Sybil?

    Oh, my. Definitely coming back for more. And don't worry, not a stalker…happily married.

  7. But what about her boobs? ;)
    Srsly, man, that sucks. I don't envy you, back in the dating game.

  8. Please write about your dating life more often. Some of us (who shall remain nameless) would like to both live vicariously and also be reminded that no matter how crazy we are, there are way worse people out there.

    Please and thank you.

  9. Ah, she was a black-catter was she? If you've got a black cat, she's got a blacker one. Or an elephant boxer. You've got an elephant, she's got a box to put it in.

    Also, bacon. Result!

  10. Okay. Nobody is better than bacon. Ever. Crazy bish. She sounds like a fantastic listener. lol. Sorry about the horrible breakfast date.

  11. Maybe you should date via Words With Friends. Maybe not. The only ‘soulmate’ I ever found was when I hung the bingo OULMATE off a dangling S. Even then it was challenged as being two words. But really, if you want to impress potential players out there, Q’s without U’s rock! Qi, Qat, Qaid and Qanat. Another great skill-builder is unscrambling anagrams to make words from a jumble of letters. If you like TV trivia and anagrams, my blog is fun and good practice for WWF. Let me know what you think of it.

  12. @uncleskip: And it has also made for wonderful memories. I still remember that stack of bacon at the NY Deli place at the Mirage in Vegas.

    @momminlaw: I might actually believe you.

    @eva: She was from her own planet of awesomeness.

    @chantel: You have smart boys. And I want to hug you when you smell like bacon too.

    @aggy: Butt hurt? I don't even want to know. Damn, I should have countered with ball sack on this date, but I couldn't get a word in anyway, much less two.

    @thatjaniegirl: Please stalk. I love stalkers, married or not. I collect them and put them in order of craziness.

    @dawn: Even boobs and/or hotness failed at overcoming this. Bacon barely made it worthwhile.

    @goldengirl: I have so many stories. It's been difficult to stick to my policy. I might guest blog a few somewhere else in which case I'll point you in the right direction.

    @thejules: Dude, it was incredible. I was going to tell her I have a huge cock just to see if she'd tell me she has a bigger one. At that point, I would not have been surprised.

    @summer: She slandered bacon. At least it made for a fun blog.

    @leona: Qadi, xi, xu, za, ge, ka, etc.

  13. Omg the robot and limping paragraphs killed me. You definitely need to write about dating more often!! And you might be sad when she wins the Nobel Prize for small business and soccer that you didn't ask her out for a second date. Something to consider.

  14. A) I love to rock climb and I'm a really good eater. Maybe she'd go out with me?

    2) This is probably one of my favorite posts you've done yet.

    III) Please PLEASE post more about your, um, I mean your friends dates. They make getting up on a Monday morning less painful. Thank you in advance for your cooperation.

  15. Ten bucks she's asking her girlfriends today why you haven't called her.

  16. @mel: I will not be sad. I've never been so sure of something in my life.

    @vapidvixen: You are almost as awesome as bacon!

    @missYvonne: LOL!! She texted me later in the day thanking me for a nice date. I responded: "The bacon was great." A couple days later she texted some other long nonsense and I never responded.

  17. OMG, you went on a date with my coworker!??

    There is nothing like a one-upper, unless, of course, they're in your bed. Hmmm... you didn't think about that, now did you?

  18. All that awesomeness...yet she still picked a druggie.

  19. Too funny... at least you got some laughs out of it

  20. I'm an awesome commenter. I leave great comments all over the internet. Everybody tells me so.

  21. Hahahah that was great. She penelope'd your ass! (SNL skit with kristin wiig, google it). Anyway, there is NO WAY she could be the best robot, because i'm the world's greatest girlfriend-robot. fact. (

  22. love bacon stories but this sounds like that SNL skit.
    Hey I know you have probably never been to my blog since this is the first time I stumbled on to yours. Don't worry I only leave comments nothing else. But this a funny post and I happen to be collecting funny posts. I'd leave a link but I already told you, I just leave comments. I'm sure you can find me. This post would really improve the collection.

    Oh how is she with syrup - that could turn a guy around.

  23. wow, is she from LA, perhaps? this city is full of the me, me, me mentality!

  24. Those are good dates to have. They remind you of the people that exist, that are out there, that once drove you to marriage.

    Pop that lesson in your cap and smoke it my friend. Also bacon is very good stuff - there is quite a lot that I would put up with for good bacon.

  25. @consciouslysedated: I'm using her to get to you.

    @hunnerwoof: If I was married to her, I'd turn to heavy drugs too.

    @sebtown: Well after the fact. I was still in shock for 24 hours after.

    @mandy: You actually do.

    @gia: If only she were scamming me with a clever parody. I'll go read your robot blog in a sec. I look forward to it being the best robot blog ever.

    @bill: I don't think syrup helps in this case.

    @dinamo: Her modeling career did indeed take place in LA.

    @bridgette: You should write a monologue about bacon. Be sure to have some breast flashing too.

  26. I'm willing to bet a vast majority of couples stay together not for the kids, the house, or the car, but out of fear of just this kind of bat shit crazy element swimming around in the dating pool. Then again, what's the fun in THAT?

    Thanks for being such a good sport so you could come back and recount it all for us.

  27. OK. I cracked-up so hard reading this that I started choking! D*mn you!!!

    *cough cough*

    But seriously, when's the second date? :o)

  28. Oh my goodness! I worked with that girl a bunch of years ago!! I wondered whatever happened to her! Hilarious!!!!

  29. There are a few blogs out there on the theme of the world's most horrible dates. They're pretty funny but seem to be written mostly by women.

    My father-in-law is like this, you can start talking about anything; the weather, potato peels, bicycle spokes... it doesn't matter, before you get half way through the sentence he turns it into a conversation about his life accomplishments. But then again he has Alzheimers.

    The poor girl was probably nervous; I'll bet she went home and told her girl friend how the date went, saying "... I probably talked too much".

  30. @moi I've had more good experiences than bad. With that said, there are a few other stories I might share.

    @minxy: All the bacon in the world wouldn't be enough to get me on a second date with her.

    @judy: She told me she was a way better worker than you.

    @robert: I bet she told her friends she was the best breakfast date ever and that other diners stopped by to tell her what a great story teller she was and how lucky I was to be eating bacon next to her.

  31. You're making me rethink this whole "getting back in the game" thing. I was right all along. Dating from afar is the best dating ever. Let that be a lesson to you.

    One question: Where did you meet this bimbo? Probably somewhere really great. Was she a really great cocktail waitress at a club you went to?

  32. Bacon must be one of the most universally beloved of all life's pleasures. I cannot tell you how many conversations I've had about bacon where bacon begins to sound like the holy grail or a fifth element or something.

    As for dating stories...tell your friend to stop being a nancy and share them already! He obviously attracts some prize-winners.

  33. @angie: Yes, I was out "clubbing" and she was working (the pole). Best stripper ever.

    @jess: You know I attract the crazy ones.

  34. Tapping foot while eating a BLT.

  35. holey shiz ... reading this mass of comments was about as funny as the post! I would have stuffed her mouth with a muffin and damn quick! oh and the chicka whose the most awesome commenter...too funny! Enjoyed the laugh, thanks!

  36. Ahh... the fun of dating. I applaud your efforts!

    I've been officially single for a few months now, and have only been on a handful of dates, so I can relate to finding the humor of it all.

    I still want to write a book about the world of dating and how funny it is. Think "Seinfeld" meets "New Adventures of Old Christine". Guess I just adore Julia Lewis Dryfus!

    Keep writing your stories. Maybe we can do a "He Said/She Said" project. I smell fun. And bacon.

  37. This is brilliant. Cheers for letting me know about it. I'm sad to say I can relate to it on soooo many levels. Rest assured this 'date' is more than likely still single and talking people's heads off. Annoying. One a positive note, I've come to learn for every 5 bad dates, comes a decent one. That I know for sure...;-)

  38. Oh, I feel so sorry for her.

    Someone needs to tell her.

    I would want to know.

    Can you somehow ? No. YOu can't.

    If only ONLY someone would tell her.

    I think I'm like that and no one has told me.

    I just think I am.

    So sad.

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  44. But. What if she's right? What if she makes the best bacon?


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