Monday, July 8, 2013

Taquitos and Ray - Both Smell Nasty

I was out on Saturday night and got a text from my seven year old.

I never would have thought rape could be funny. I was wrong. Luckily he doesn’t know that word and it was a legit typo. Taquitos can relax!

Speaking of family faux pas, my parents are visiting on Wednesday for a few days. When they planned this trip seventeen years ago, it seemed so far away.  Old people like to plan way ahead.  Well, suddenly it’s almost here and I have to rush around doing all those little house chores and errands that will help minimize the criticism and “helpful” advice my parents like to give me.

I have prioritized my list by chronological points of contact.  Therefore I had to start with my 4-Runner.  I will be picking the parents up at the airport which means the first thing they can note is the state of my vehicle.  Actually, it will be the second thing because I’m sure the first comment will be about my appearance.

“Oh, you haven’t shaved have you? It sure is gray.”

“You have gained weight!”

“You look tired.  Are you tired?”

My responses will be muted, but I will want to say:

“And it will be grayer after five days with you.”

“I binge eat whenever I know you are coming because I’m so fucking excited to see you.”

“Yes because the thought of taking care of four children instead of my normal two is exhausting.”

Yes, I’m being a dick, but that’s okay because I truly love my parents.  It’s just fun to complain about them because they, well, drive me crazy.

Speaking of being a dick, that word came up a couple more times in a movie I watched with the boys over the weekend.  They have been fascinated with dirty words and are actively cataloguing them and discussing them despite my attempts to be nonchalant and deemphasizing the subject altogether.  It didn’t help when they asked me again what a dick is and I reminded them it’s a jerk. And also your pp.  They laughed at the pp definition and I had to tell them I don’t want to hear them calling anyone a dick!

So anyway, the next opportunity for my parents to treat me like I’m twelve is with my 4-Runner.  The side view mirror is still cracked which bugged the shit out of my dad last year so I was thinking I’d just say, “It was the craziest thing! My side view mirror got smashed again – just like last year!”  The vehicle is filthy, so I’m getting it detailed tomorrow.  I ‘won’ a free detail at the kids' school fundraiser auction and I’m cashing it in.  I have to admit the car smells like ass and wet dog.  We don’t have a dog. 

I suspect the smell is from Ray. Ray is dead.  Ray was somebody’s friend.  Ray isn’t in my car, but his memorial is.

This sucker was erected in the courtyard of my block’s common area.  Nobody on our block knows Ray.  Ray was apparently a friend of the designer or builder or landscaper and they for some reason thought they should put in a headstone as the centerpiece of basically everyone’s front yard.  It freaked out the kids and adults – we all wonder if Ray is buried down there somewhere.

I gave it a year and then removed the stone memorial in broad daylight.  Now it’s in my truck and I think the wet soil from the bottom is stinking things up more than the collective three asses of my boys and me.  I’ll have to hide Ray in my garage so the car guys can do the detail and hopefully get the stink out before my mom suggests a vanilla pine tree dangler.

I hope my parents don’t result in a neighbor erecting a memorial for their friend Brett.  Ray may not like company either.

By the way, anybody have a dead friend named Ray they’d like to memorialize? I can help!


  1. Maybe it was a memorial for Stevie Ray Vaughan and they just preferred to shorten it to 'Ray'?

    Raping food, hmm. Isn't that what the first American Pie movie was about?

  2. One time when I was a substitute teacher, I had to give a room of kids a pre spelling test - wrap/wrapped/wrapping were all on there. I had to correct a lot of rapey words that day...

  3. My mom is stopping by for an overnight this week...I steam cleaned my carpets yesterday...I totally get the "parents are coming to visit how can I make this less annoying" feeling. At least mine is only for 1 night...I win.

    I like how you are proactive enough to take the memorial out of the courtyard. Look for your neighborhood association president to send you a strongly worded letter any time now... I know you people are in your neighborhood...someone is offending and talking about you over wine right now!

    BTW, happy birthday if it's really your birthday today. I hope your mom bakes you a cake while she's there.

  4. Live long and prosper really means live long and bug your kids

  5. I think you should chisel "Ban" on it and put it in your front yard with an old pair of shades.

  6. My Mum is very low key in comparison to this - she's a hippie - and for the most part pretty easy going. Except I still get "Are you eating? You look thin/healthy/gaunt/worried/tired" "What is that you're eating?" "Will you be out late?" "That's very low cut" etc. My Dad notices nothing. Literally, I could dress Gabe in a rabbit suit and he wouldn't comment.

    My car smells like something bad too. I think that it might be some sort of food stuff that has rolled under a seat. I could find out if I just looked under there. But I can't seem to find the energy to do that. It'll decompose eventually.

  7. At least you removed it in broad daylight. I mean, digging up a gravestone in the middle of the night would have been creepy. (now keeping it in your car....)

    I'm still chuckling over taquito rape. :)

  8. I've heard of planning ahead—I actually like doing that—but 17 YEARS? At least they didn't just show up on your door step shouting, "Surprise!"

    I'm wondering now if there's ever been a headstone stashed in my car, like before I bought it, because it always needs a vanilla scented dangler, regardless that it might just have been cleaned inside and out only five minutes ago.

  9. Holy (insert curse word), that (insert the same curse word) was funny! I laughed my (insert curse word) off. Thanks, I needed to laugh and curse without cursing.

  10. If you're gonna do a typo, make it count!

  11. We're shopping for a dog. I think I just thought of the perfect name. BTW, you sound tired.


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